Libby
Hello lovely to see you--you're much shorter than I thought you'd be.
Lara
I always say 'size doesn't matter'.
Libby
OK you're snickering like a schoolboy so I guess that was one of those whatchamacallit's 'double entendre' things that I never get. What I mean is in the land of the giants you're a squirt--do you have a problem with that?
Lara
Lord, no I don't have a problem with my body. I don't diet, I haven't had a boob job--I'm not going to be the subject of a movie of the week ten years from now.
Libby
Oh, I know dear, but don't let it depress you. They don't make a MOW out of nobodies unless they get a really good disease. But don't give up, maybe an addiction, maybe a few more roles... I have to confess I've never heard of you but my nephew Frank (my new research assistant) is a big fan. He didn't even have to research very hard because most articles about you were next to his work bench. Now, Is it true you lost out on the Ally McBeal role to Calista Flockhart?
Lara
Yeah, but that doesn't bother me because I got a role on "The Practice".
Libby
That is so brave of you! Do you think you lost the role because you are too fat?
Lara
What?
Libby
Oops hit a nerve, I'll just move on. There was an article about you in Vanity Fair and you were quoted as saying "I'm the kind of woman who, when she walks into a party, all the other women leave the room."
Lara
Yeah.
Libby
Oh, you poor thing. I'm sure that's not true!!!
Lara
Yup, since I was seventeen.
Libby
You could probably do something about that, maybe learn to sing or buy presents--believe me I wasn't always a sparkling raconteur. It took some work.
Lara
You misunderstood--when I say they leave the room I mean they are threatened by me.
Libby
Why, what have you been doing to them?
Lara
What I mean is, the way I look seems to threaten other women.
Libby
Well you do wear a lot of eye make-up and that's kind of scary. Maybe if you tone it down, practice a nice smile. Do you think that's why Harrison's wife left him? She got spooked by the leer and the gloss?
Lara
I had nothing to do with the break-up of that marriage.
Libby
Oh, hon I believe you, after all he's a big movie star he could have a 'name' girlfriend. You've were also linked romantically with David Spade--that I could see, he's a squirt too and funny!!!! Oh God I loved him in... what's that movie, the one where he was funny.
Lara
Black Sheep? Tommy Boy?
Libby
No, that's not it, the one where he was a waterboy It'll come to me--
Lara
It doesn't matter anyway, we were never boyfriend and girlfriend.
Libby
Oh, that's a shame hon, if he'd been interested you could have snuggled up to him for a couple of years then you could have moved up to the big names.
Lara
I don't need a "name' boyfriend, I'm doing just fine by myself thank you very much.
Libby
And there was some talk about you dating Jack Nicklaus...
Lara
Jack Nicholson. The Chief..
Libby
But don't worry hon I didn't believe a word of it, they print all kinds of rubbish on a slow celebrity news day.
Lara
I wouldn't say it was rubbish. The whole world is in love with Jack why can't I be?
Libby
You're nice kid in a kind of rough way. I just want you to know you don't have to make up pretend boyfriends just to impress me.
Lara
Are you for real?
Libby
I'm just saying maybe you should rethink that David thing, get a nice frock, practice smiling and how-do-you-do's and who knows maybe they will make a film about you, I mean anything's possible. You're too old to be an ingenue but with a little luck and my fingers crossed who knows? You might get a nice "mom" role if you washed of the goop. Best of luck darling.
Lara
**** you.
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